Sunday, May 8, 2011

Motherless Mother

Mother's Day is always a little bittersweet for me as a daughter because I am not able to spend the day with my mom, celebrating her for all that she sacrificed to make me who I am today.  Today marked my tenth Mother's Day without her, and my seventh Mother's Day as a mother without her. 

While it's difficult not having her here period, sometimes it seems even more so since I've become a mama.  I wish my own mother was here to share in all the crazy things my kids do and say.  I wish my mom was here to see my babies be dedicated at church like the many I witnessed this morning.  I wish she could give me advice when I'm at my wit's end with my girls' fighting and fussing.  I wish she could've held my children and loved on them.  I wish...

I just wish she were here.

As a daughter, I look back at all the things left unsaid over the years in a family where "I love you" was just not something I heard very often.  Oh, I knew she loved me - she just didn't say it - and thus, neither did I. How I wish I would've told her more how wonderful she was, how thankful I was for everything she did for me, how someday I hoped to be as selfless as she was when we were growing up, how much I loved her.

How much I love her still.

For some reason, this year has been especially hard on me, maybe because motherhood has not turned out to be the great community that I once perceived it to be.  I've found myself more isolated since becoming a mom than at any other time in my life.  Balancing working with taking care of my family is a challenge.  Trying to maintain friendships with other moms whose children are different ages or go to different schools or are on different teams is a struggle.  Controlling my emotions when someone tells me "Oh, I could never let a daycare raise my child" is difficult. 

As a daughter, I really needed my mom.

I've spent a lot more time lately with my chickies as opposed to making, creating, and crafting (I'm sure you noticed).  I found I was spending too much time worrying about what my next project would be and not enough time working on the greatest projects of my life... my daughters.  I figure the best way I can honor my mother's memory is to do the same for my children as she did for me.  Sacrificing, selfless, being present.

And telling them, every second, that I love them.

That last part is from me as a daughter to my own daughters.  I don't ever want them to regret one day that they didn't say I love you enough simply because it wasn't something we said. 

Mom, I love you, wherever you are.

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